//QUIETLY HAS BEEN HYPERVENTILATING INSIDE-, Just breathes now though and posts--
I feel uncomfortable stating to others what I am, how I see myself, and just making it clear of who I am.. I'll just state this, as it is me;
I am VaNex(alias, but my real name is Sidney, tbh I don't mind sharing that. I just prefer to not be referred to by my name, even in person, I'd just prefer Sid.) and I am Pan(sexual/romantic). I was born a girl, I am pretty much aware and accepting of what my body is, but I do not feel comfortable being referred to just by how I look and what my physical body //is//. I see myself as a male, but I do get to those points where, I think, "Am I really a guy, or a confused girl who is in a horrible cycle of self denial..?" I honestly consider myself a guy, a male, I'm just not built or was born as I see myself, but I get iffy on if its just a mindset thing, or something I mixed up. Its hard to tell if its just something I over-think or mixed up. I honestly feel very uncomfortable saying anything about my preferred gender, so no one, except general people I talk to(online and within physical contact/rl )that it has been brought up with, really know. My mom somewhat knows, my brother kinda knows, but I don't feel they understand or get that I'm male. I only get so unsure because of the reactions I get from others when it comes up. ..I figure others' reactions shouldn't influence my own self reflection, but I do get uncertain and waver on things, which makes me doubt myself. So, I'd figure most of my uncertainty comes from my over thinking.. But I'd like to get to the point where I know myself and I'm able to keep it stable with others.. so I won't have to struggle with who I am, and how I see myself. I want to be certain of myself, not uncertain and confused as I am, but I'm not at that point yet... It's just weird for me to be referred to as a girl, when I don't see myself that way, I don't feel that way-.. Its just weird to say, I'm //aware// of all of it, I'm "accepting" of my physical body, but the bottom line is, I don't want to be //defined// by it... I guess that's the point I wanted to make... llOTL
As for sexuality-- I'm pretty certain I'm pan. I literally will love anyone, regardless of anything--, >My only guidelines are that feelings are mutual, that there's enough connection to even tell this. In short, what attracts me is not limited to any shape or form, I just wish and hope for mutual understandings and a connection to go with it. Ya know, those sparks that make these things work-- //laughs, shot, coughs.. Aheh--
I hope that this isn't too shitty or confusing of a post.. llOTL I honestly feel weird about these things, and its an awkward topic for me.. ; o ; So I hope its understandable.. > A > and not too mixed up... Which is why I post in the first place--. Any insight or thoughts would help clear things up for me.., I'd think, so.. < w >
Thank you for reading if you did~ ; o ; //I feel weird saying that, too, but honestly, I'd appreciate anyone taking the time to read all this..